The Child in Me

As I drove home from work, on a day so mundane…

Had worked hard in office like all the others in the lane…

I could fathom nothing else, but to hastily get home…

I turned the music on loud, to drown the constant drone…

Of the never-ending strife I felt in me…

Was this what I had dreamed that I would be!!!

With the window rolled down and a smoke in hand,

the aircon was on, the sun setting gloomily over the land…

I was woken to reality as I pulled up at the CST street light,

The swarm of cars before me, a couple of them engaged in a ridiculous fight…

It was then that I noticed, this group of 3 kids who came running along,

One of them carried a small bell, ringing it and shouting ding-dong…

The one behind him seemed the younger of the two,

Repeating everything that the elder said, presuming it to be true…

The third was a girl, shying away behind them...

And yet in her subtle ways…managed to look stealthily through…

So he came up next to me, “Ek kharid lo na” – he said with a grin

It was his innocence that struck me,

Even he wouldn’t have bought what he was selling…

“Ek kharid lo na”, he said again – leaning into the car this time…

“Cigarette se bachke”, I said as I moved it further out of his line…

The younger one saw it come towards him, as he reached out for the cigarette’s butt,

It was the elder one who rebuked him – “buri hai tere liye…chal hatt”

There was laughter so pure that followed, so innocent in its cause,

As both the kids started laughing, in their life it was but just a pause…

As he leaned in again, feeling the cold air from the vents blow against his face…

There was this smile he bore, as if he had found his solace…

The music played on loud, never before he could have heard that song,

he hummed along for a while, as he finally sang the words he was sure couldn’t be wrong…

“Main uske bina bepata hun…
bepata, bepata, bepata hun…”

The other 2 weren’t far behind as they all joined in…singing away with no restraint…

I couldn’t help but join in myself, for it was a moment of pure happiness – no expectation, no constraint…

The signal turned green, as I put my car in gear…

I had found the one thing I had missed all day…right here…

I pulled away as I said goodbye, with tears in my eyes and a smile on my face…

I had just felt what we so rarely feel…simple pure ecstasy…nothing less than God’s grace…

It was just a heartfelt moment, just a moment of innocent bliss…

I could have travelled the world for it, but all it took was this?

3 little kids at a street light, teaching the world how to live…

And we so caught up in our own strife, always ready to take – so hesitant to give…

5 minutes of aircon can make a day for some…

While we still forego our present, all for the time to come…

So, I have packed my bags, and I have checked the time…

2 more years I have, to be a part of this rhyme…

To feel the tears roll down on my face again as I sport an innocent smile…

To be the child in me again…whether it takes a few steps or a long mile…

"Khudaaya tu bata, kahan uska pata, pata kar,
Main uske bina bepata hun,
bepata, bepata, bepata hun"

Cheers,

Div 

Yours and Mine!!!

The people you meet everyday...

And those you meet once in a while...

The people you met once and might never again...

And those you have never seen but might know after walking another mile...

Stop a while and consider where you could have been...And where you are...

Pure and innocent as you were...or like so many others...tainted and vile??

They say the first cut is the deepest...and your first buy is the cheapest...

So your first dream should be the most genuine...and your first victory the sweetest...

But then we meet people...some we call friends...some we want to call the same...

We share the lunches...we share the secrets...from the first crush to the first game...

From the first fight...the first moment of fame...to the first moment of shame...

We keep some people for life...we lose some for the same...

And while we live to share what they call loneliness...

We share the one thing we should not...our dreams...

with people who might define them as lame...

And so we listen to what they have to say...

“but only a fool would not want to earn a name...”

“Class 10^th...do well and you are done for life”...heard that before?

The dreams can wait...or so i thought...

“Class 12^th...do well and you will have your career”....

The dreams can wait...or so i thought...

“IIT...get through and you will need no more”...

The dreams can wait...or so i thought again...

“IIM...get through and its done”

The dreams can wait...or so i thought...damn I could have learned...what a shame...

“Earn enough...you should be self sufficient”

The dreams can wait...or so i thought...now it just sounds so redundant and lame...

“Got to marry soon...you should be saving and getting settled now”

The dreams can wait?? I don’t think so this time...coz thinking just doesn’t seem to be my game...

Yes I love the people i know and yes I care...

But I aint sharing my dreams anymore...I just won’t dare...

Coz my dreams are mine...and not for sale...

As precious as they come...beautiful and rare...

Let us walk together for a while...Maybe a few feet or a long mile...

Yes the moon is beautiful and the stars are bright...

But to just emphasize the facts won’t make the conversation right...

Let’s talk about you and your life...share what’s yours or maybe mine...

As two people who have met today...but might never again after the clock strikes nine...

Let you not define how I think...and let me not define your frame of mind...

Let’s just talk about us...the way we see us...

And our dreams we will leave alone...coz after all...

Your dreams are just yours...and mine...are just mine...

A Million Reasons:

The times are changing, as are the fortunes,

We have waited for it...and yet its not the way you thought...

When you ever feel so dejected...or when everything seems so lost...

Remember its not always the sun...at times you gotta lao the frost...

The day I loved you...the day I made you mine...

The day I saw your beauty...and felt the warmth of your soul...

Was the day I knew I lost a part of me...

To you...to destiny...and to time....

The first time that I saw you...My heart skipped a beat...

To see you smile at me the way you did...is a memory I will always keep...

When you stood there right before me...your eyes speaking what you couldn’t

I knew I had found that one thing...that completed me...coz it touched me so deep...

Sometimes when I stand alone...I look at my past...

At all the rights I have done...and of all that I have wronged...

When I think of the days that were the best of my life...or the ones I wanted to last...

I feel so lost...as to what lies ahead...as to what it is that I have for always longed...

But then I think of you...and the times we have shared...

Of how special it makes me feel to have you as mine...so genuine...so true...

Coz if there was one day I can call as the best of my life...

Its the one i spent with you...

We have been through it all honey...

But this is the hardest part...

Of letting go...coz this is when you think...

If all that you have done is worth taking the risk....

You see the truth all around...

You have seen the faith breaking down, with your hands bound...

And we can’t go on...thinking its wrong...

So, let go of all that leaves you shattered...

Coz I know it wouldn’t matter...

In these times divided by fear...

Believe in us...and believe in the reason for us being here...

Just open your heart...and let nothing stop us...

just be the way you are...swift n brisk...

Coz it is so worth the risk...

So, lets live the times we have...and the days we count...

To a future we will make...and the difficulties we will mount...

Just let out all that you hold inside...

And dream all you can...coz we can get it right....

Yeah...we will get it right...

Ignorance is bliss

Is it?? There are times in our lives when we introspect...you don’t?? Ohh come on...you aren’t lying to me...but to yourself...We all think of things that have gone wrong...and those which may...in the time to come. But how do we really define bliss?? Is it being happily high when with friends...or is it being highly happy in the arms of the one you love. Too subjective don’t you think??

I sit down to write today, in a mood too sombre to define something even close to euphoric. But nostalgia doesn’t come naturally to me. Apprehension does. What is it that you want to be ignorant of?? Your shortcomings?? Or the ability to accept them as yours?? I have a perspective on it (after all it is democracy we live in)... I do believe there is a part of us who lies...a part of us that wants to believe just what we want to believe...and not what we should....You don’t believe me?? I never asked you to...its just my perspective....Let me exemplify it...Whenever we are apprehensive, what do we look to?? Friends??? Family?? Those we love?? Or to those who love us?? You answer it to yourself...But invariably you want someone else to tell you that you are right in what you are doing...or what you want to do...We all desire to be corroborated...accepted...

There comes the irony...Is it others who should define what is right for you?? Or are they not “others” in the first place?? Ohh yes...the eternal chicken and egg story...Obligations and paybacks...”He has done so much for you...you can’t let him suffer”... even if you do?? What’s the rationale behind a society when it can’t accept your individuality...and what’s the rationale behind euphoria when its not you who defines it?? The one goal we all seek in life is acceptance...of our actions...and our thoughts...and in doing so...we lose what is the most precious part of us...which always seeks bliss...but ends up being ignorant...

High I am tonight...and I think of all the things I have seen people do around me...some have defined love..in their own way..while some define excellence...some accept compromise...while some seek satisfaction in the same...Let me ask you this...Do you think you can make someone happy?? Or is it his/her’s own choice to be so...And there goes another obscure term...”Choice”...

I am a part of an extremely orthodox closely knit family, where its collective opinion which always matters, even if it entails curbing your own personal differences of opinion...”Choice” is a luxury, and to earn it, one needs a plethora of justifications and reasoning....So, if something gives me that happiness i seek...and is unacceptable to my family...what do i do?? You have an answer?? Or do you have a justification?? Think of a scenario...I find something I want for life...something that gives me that one thing I desire...that bliss and euphoria i have always pursued...but it fails to meet the “criteria” set out by “those who matter to me”...or atleast should...what if my family tells me its not right for me?? What if they tell me, they know better?? Should I find happiness in what makes them happy?? Or should i try to give them that happiness by being blissful myself?? What if I hurt them in doing so?? What if they don’t accept my choice of action??

Well, that’s when it is labelled as ignorance, of others expectations, and your obligations...So, do you lie to them to do what you want to?? Or do you wait for them to understand?? I have no answer to that...I have only questions...when you think of your family before yourself...try asking yourself this...Is it you who wants to do it?? Or is it you who has to??

Ohh yes, when there are so many questions to be answered, most of us will seek the easier way out, that of inertia and inaction...then where is the real bliss?? for both the individual in question, and the people asking the questions...It is ignorance that provides the sense of bliss...a collective acceptance of a compromise, since you denied to accept it as that...A riskless negotiation, forgoing all that could have been yours, and hence of those who care for you...

So, if you ask me...I will tell you to take a shot at your dreams...to seeking bliss...and discarding ignorance...to pursuing individuality and discarding mass acceptance...Let yourself free for once, and seek independence...Seek excellence and not the acceptance of it...Seek satisfaction, and not he corroboration of it...Love those close to you, and make yourself worthy of being loved...

Hence, Cheers to the ignorance...and cheers to the bliss...let bliss come to you from your ignorance...but never be ignorant because of your bliss

Cheers,

Div

The good guy...

Ohhh he is a good guy...but...

One compliment we guys never want to have...is being a good guy...What has the world come to she asked me one day...and i just gazed into the distance..."You know I have been thinking...how we fall in love"....dangerous...ohh yes dangerous it is when a girl mentions that word in front of you...It set my alarm bells ringing...Where exactly is this conversation headed i thought...It is tough being a good listener...or trying to be one...especially when you have so much to talk about all the time...So, given I had a blank expression on my face...the question was raised again...this time a bit more emphatically..."You do believe in love don't you??"....

Now, that had always been a word too ambiguous for me to describe...or define...and most importantly...to justify...So i told her..."there are several ways to look at it...Maybe you fall in love...maybe you make yourself believe in it"...and there it was...that smile which always let me know...i wasn't helping myself with that answer...so i tried again..."You know what...I believe one makes oneself believe he is in love...you say it a number of times over to yourself...look in the mirror and tell yourself you love her...that she is beautiful...n sweet and lovely...and so...yes you love her...say it over and over again...and eventually you will....be in love with her"....I haven't ever seen an expression as demeaning as the one which followed...she looked away...and then looked straight into my eyes...and i could feel mine burn at the back of my head...with anxiety...what exactly was coming??

We had been together for a while now...had spent some time together...had had our share of fun...but serious is what we never really got in conversations...atleast until there was something drastic which happened...and it hadn't happened in the recent past...as far as i remembered...or maybe...hadn't happened just yet....

she finally spoke...and she made sure i was listening..."You know you are a good guy...but i believe you dont believe in looking too far ahead do you"...Ohh!!! there it was..right there between us...a benign little question...seemed like a trick question to me....I had looked ahead...and all i saw was me...and not us...but what do i tell her?? Damn!!! "I sure believe in looking ahead...but i am not exactly sure how far do you want me to look??"...i could feel a smile running across my face...ohh yes...well answered....or was it??

She looked at me...and i could see a hint of disappointment there...but it was there only for a moment...so ephemeral that it made me wonder if it had even been there in the first place...and then there it was...that ever so ready smile of hers..."I think you are not sure of the feeling...since you haven't ever felt it...you are still the good guy"....

I could never decipher what that meant...i am a guy after all...was it a compliment?? i couldn't be sure...since it sure didn't make me happy..."Thank you...i believe"...is what i said...and i knew she didn' exactly care for what i said...somehow...she had got her answer...and i had got a lot many questions for me to answer to myself...

Things didnt exactly the way they were meant to be from there on...and another day...at another table...she gazed into the distance...as i asked her..."Do you believe in destiny??"...she looked at me...and couldnt help but chuckle...ofcourse...to be asking questions as serious as that...just not my cup of tea...ohh come on...am but a guy after all...She said "I do...and i know what exactly you mean by that...You have tried...and have tried enough for me to know...you still are the good guy"...and hence we parted ways..

A year and a half later....

A pleasant evening...as i walked through the street with a friend...i remembered those words...as i still hung onto them...could never really understand what they meant...had moved on in life...a new college...a new place...had had a new beginning...so i asked him..."do you think there is something called waiting for "the one""....ohh yes...there was the giggle again...a guy asking another guy that question...so much against the protocol...but the answer was more surprising than the question itself..."yes...he said...of course"...ofcourse?? was it so obvious?? ohh how could it be...i couldn't be that ignorant to not know of something as obvious as that...and so there i was...as i once again went about reforming another soul...with my theory of making yourself believe you are in love...and hence in the fact that she is "the one"...But he won't agree...*Ohh he is a good guy...but*...i thought...

As is so often the case with irony...it hits you in the face...just when you least expect it to...so was the case with me...I found myself asking myself no questions...and yet it felt special...something just blew away all that i had stood for...or should i say against...caught me by the collar and stared at me...telling me...how big a fool have you been...yes...i had found love...

No...i didn't have to make myself believe i was in it...nor did have to sand in front of the mirror urging me to love someone...it just came to me..."Yes" i had said...and hadn't thought once before saying it...what was i thinking??

I knew something had changed within me...something that just wasn't right before...something which had always helped me justify why i hadn't fallen n love...just as yet...

Things shaped up pretty contrary to my design...if ever i had any...the problem i had?? I never looked too far into the future...living in the present was always the easiest...and hence that is what i always did...but pretty soon i realised...not everyone is you...I had not just me to answer to...but a lot more..."Why did you do it??"..."What were you thinking??"..."Be rational, think logically"...is what those who couldn’t be bad to me..told me...

But that is when i got the answer to a question i had always been looking for...as i heard myself being told over and over again..."You are to blame for the wrong"..."Ohh you are the one who designed this"...if only i could have....would have made it so much more beautiful...

Yes...there it was...the answer...and it was so evident....I now knew what she had meant when she had said those words to me...I now knew I was in love...and how could I be sure??

I no more cared for what they thought of me...I no more cared for what they might say...I no more cared for much beyond what I knew....

I wasn't the good guy anymore....

Of Maybe and Couldbe....Of Desires and Deserving...

They say the glass is half full...or maybe its half empty...But what when u say one when everyone says the other...Its then that you don’t know what to believe..and what not to... Let me tell you what I believe...There are secrets in your life that you wanna hide...reasonings and perceptions...logics and perspectives....desires and deservings...
We all know what we are...but we make sure we don’t make ourselves realise it...We wanna be someone else...We desire to be in their place...or maybe a place equivalent to theirs...So, what do we do...We change...for the better??? I don’t know...haven’t lived long enough to comment on that...but all I know is that we have our identity...our individuality...our existence...
We owe what we are to a lot of people in our lives...a lot more then you can think of right now...starting from your parents to the best of friends you hold so close to your heart today...But does that justify your obligation to them?? Or does it justify your existence?? Try this..what makes you choose when you have to?? Is it you..your beliefs and your desires?? Or is it what you believe you deserve and what you don’t?? Or is it what they believe??
I don’t know what is right and what is wrong ...but I do know this...there is always a flip side...when we talk of what is fair and what is unfair...it always involves someone other than us...someone we presume we know...someone we believe knows us...But then...do you know yourself?? Or do you “think” you do?? Life comes a full circle they say...I say we decide that...If we want everything we have owned and loved to decide our existence...our beliefs...our perceptions..our desires...maybe we don’t deserve what we desire...For all those who believe in Fate...in things happening because they “are meant to be”....try taking the first step...try standing up for what you believe you want...and you will deserve it there and then...To say that maybe it wasn’t meant to be, is equivalent to saying that maybe it never would be too....Who are you to decide?? Who are others to decide for you?? “Maybe” you know what is right and what is wrong...But then it “could be” that you are wrong in thinking so... Who decides that??
There is something we all seem to believe in...and we call it love...we all seem to know what it means...and we all have our own definition of it...and again...if you are the one who feels it...why should it be others who define it?? Why do we constantly seek what we call happiness...Why do always seek peace...Why do we always seek justification...and why do we always seek compliance?? Is it because we need a re-iteration that we are right in doing what we desire?? Or do we want to know whether we deserve it....Lets define our reality...and lets justify our dreams...lets make ourselves happy with what we have...or lets work towards making our dreams a reality...The choice is ours...or do you want to leave it to someone else to make it for you??
Lets talk of dreams...are they what we desire?? Or are they what we presume we deserve...maybe no one knows...maybe no one ever will...But we do know it comes from something we don’t manipulate...something we don’t consciously control...Is that what defines our true self...Is that what defines our reality?? Or is that which defines our desires??? No one knows,...But it sure makes us believe...in a world we define...in a life we desire...in a place we belong...and a desire that we deserve...Is it wrong to desire?? Is it wrong to believe?? Is it wrong to want?? Maybe it should be about what others think...But it Could be if only we believe...in not just me...but us...and that is something that others can’t do for you...because how much ever they might know you...it won’t be enough...not enough to decide your life...not enough to decide your ambitions...not enough to decide your existence...
Happiness...what makes you happy?? Is it people around you?? Or is it people who love you?? Or is people you love?? It is hard to find happiness...many who have pursued happiness have tried and failed...but some have found it too.. Who are they?? Did they make everyone happy??? Did they live for everyone?? I say No...I say it is and will always be about the choices we make....the decisions we take...it is always about strength..it is always about conviction...and belief....To be on the other side you have gotta work towards deserving what you desire...and for that you need to have faith...in what you believe...It is and will always be your strength to take on the world for what you love to achieve what could be...You doubt your dreams and it will always end up being a “maybe”...maybe it could have been...maybe it was right...maybe that is what I wanted...maybe that was the life to me....maybe....
So, live to love...and love to desire...and desire to deserve...because maybe..it “could be”...never give up on what you desire...because its only then that you will deserve...Listen to others...But believe in yourself...Let others Love you...but love someone...let others think for you...but decide for yourself...Let others give up on you...But never give up on what you love....Because life doesn’t give you a second chance...It is just this one time we have to make it right...just one choice...just one opportunity...It is for you to take the shot...to believe....So to deserve...you have got to desire...and it “could be” if you let go of the “may be”......

I Smoke.....

I smoke..coz i don’t care
I don’t care...coz no one cares...
When someone cares...the cigarette aint there...
It falls to the floor...crushed beyond compare...

U say u lao me...to subside my fears...
But wen i c u crying...i c diamonds not tears...
Smoking is wat reminds me...of u..of me...
It reminds me of wat v r...n wat v cud b...

Move on...is wat they say...
No way ahead is wat i c...
Have been tryin to find the way...
To b aloof...to b me...

Hve tried to hold on...to everything i deemed mine...
But as fate wud have it...have oways lost out to tym..
I dwell in mah past..searching for moments of lao...
wen i was to myself so near...
But everything seems to have moved on...
n i find myself right whr i hve oways been...right here...

the smoke helps me nt c things mah fate retrieves...
they fuckin c in me a man who never grieves...
cant they c the cigarette..cant they c my pain...
cant they c me cryin...wen i m out in the rain...
yeah dats wats not obvious...dats nt fr all to c...
coz no one really cares...nt everyone is me...nt everyone is insane...