The good guy...

Ohhh he is a good guy...but...

One compliment we guys never want to have...is being a good guy...What has the world come to she asked me one day...and i just gazed into the distance..."You know I have been thinking...how we fall in love"....dangerous...ohh yes dangerous it is when a girl mentions that word in front of you...It set my alarm bells ringing...Where exactly is this conversation headed i thought...It is tough being a good listener...or trying to be one...especially when you have so much to talk about all the time...So, given I had a blank expression on my face...the question was raised again...this time a bit more emphatically..."You do believe in love don't you??"....

Now, that had always been a word too ambiguous for me to describe...or define...and most importantly...to justify...So i told her..."there are several ways to look at it...Maybe you fall in love...maybe you make yourself believe in it"...and there it was...that smile which always let me know...i wasn't helping myself with that answer...so i tried again..."You know what...I believe one makes oneself believe he is in love...you say it a number of times over to yourself...look in the mirror and tell yourself you love her...that she is beautiful...n sweet and lovely...and so...yes you love her...say it over and over again...and eventually you will....be in love with her"....I haven't ever seen an expression as demeaning as the one which followed...she looked away...and then looked straight into my eyes...and i could feel mine burn at the back of my head...with anxiety...what exactly was coming??

We had been together for a while now...had spent some time together...had had our share of fun...but serious is what we never really got in conversations...atleast until there was something drastic which happened...and it hadn't happened in the recent past...as far as i remembered...or maybe...hadn't happened just yet....

she finally spoke...and she made sure i was listening..."You know you are a good guy...but i believe you dont believe in looking too far ahead do you"...Ohh!!! there it was..right there between us...a benign little question...seemed like a trick question to me....I had looked ahead...and all i saw was me...and not us...but what do i tell her?? Damn!!! "I sure believe in looking ahead...but i am not exactly sure how far do you want me to look??"...i could feel a smile running across my face...ohh yes...well answered....or was it??

She looked at me...and i could see a hint of disappointment there...but it was there only for a moment...so ephemeral that it made me wonder if it had even been there in the first place...and then there it was...that ever so ready smile of hers..."I think you are not sure of the feeling...since you haven't ever felt it...you are still the good guy"....

I could never decipher what that meant...i am a guy after all...was it a compliment?? i couldn't be sure...since it sure didn't make me happy..."Thank you...i believe"...is what i said...and i knew she didn' exactly care for what i said...somehow...she had got her answer...and i had got a lot many questions for me to answer to myself...

Things didnt exactly the way they were meant to be from there on...and another day...at another table...she gazed into the distance...as i asked her..."Do you believe in destiny??"...she looked at me...and couldnt help but chuckle...ofcourse...to be asking questions as serious as that...just not my cup of tea...ohh come on...am but a guy after all...She said "I do...and i know what exactly you mean by that...You have tried...and have tried enough for me to know...you still are the good guy"...and hence we parted ways..

A year and a half later....

A pleasant evening...as i walked through the street with a friend...i remembered those words...as i still hung onto them...could never really understand what they meant...had moved on in life...a new college...a new place...had had a new beginning...so i asked him..."do you think there is something called waiting for "the one""....ohh yes...there was the giggle again...a guy asking another guy that question...so much against the protocol...but the answer was more surprising than the question itself..."yes...he said...of course"...ofcourse?? was it so obvious?? ohh how could it be...i couldn't be that ignorant to not know of something as obvious as that...and so there i was...as i once again went about reforming another soul...with my theory of making yourself believe you are in love...and hence in the fact that she is "the one"...But he won't agree...*Ohh he is a good guy...but*...i thought...

As is so often the case with irony...it hits you in the face...just when you least expect it to...so was the case with me...I found myself asking myself no questions...and yet it felt special...something just blew away all that i had stood for...or should i say against...caught me by the collar and stared at me...telling me...how big a fool have you been...yes...i had found love...

No...i didn't have to make myself believe i was in it...nor did have to sand in front of the mirror urging me to love someone...it just came to me..."Yes" i had said...and hadn't thought once before saying it...what was i thinking??

I knew something had changed within me...something that just wasn't right before...something which had always helped me justify why i hadn't fallen n love...just as yet...

Things shaped up pretty contrary to my design...if ever i had any...the problem i had?? I never looked too far into the future...living in the present was always the easiest...and hence that is what i always did...but pretty soon i realised...not everyone is you...I had not just me to answer to...but a lot more..."Why did you do it??"..."What were you thinking??"..."Be rational, think logically"...is what those who couldn’t be bad to me..told me...

But that is when i got the answer to a question i had always been looking for...as i heard myself being told over and over again..."You are to blame for the wrong"..."Ohh you are the one who designed this"...if only i could have....would have made it so much more beautiful...

Yes...there it was...the answer...and it was so evident....I now knew what she had meant when she had said those words to me...I now knew I was in love...and how could I be sure??

I no more cared for what they thought of me...I no more cared for what they might say...I no more cared for much beyond what I knew....

I wasn't the good guy anymore....