The good guy...

Ohhh he is a good guy...but...

One compliment we guys never want to have...is being a good guy...What has the world come to she asked me one day...and i just gazed into the distance..."You know I have been thinking...how we fall in love"....dangerous...ohh yes dangerous it is when a girl mentions that word in front of you...It set my alarm bells ringing...Where exactly is this conversation headed i thought...It is tough being a good listener...or trying to be one...especially when you have so much to talk about all the time...So, given I had a blank expression on my face...the question was raised again...this time a bit more emphatically..."You do believe in love don't you??"....

Now, that had always been a word too ambiguous for me to describe...or define...and most importantly...to justify...So i told her..."there are several ways to look at it...Maybe you fall in love...maybe you make yourself believe in it"...and there it was...that smile which always let me know...i wasn't helping myself with that answer...so i tried again..."You know what...I believe one makes oneself believe he is in love...you say it a number of times over to yourself...look in the mirror and tell yourself you love her...that she is beautiful...n sweet and lovely...and so...yes you love her...say it over and over again...and eventually you will....be in love with her"....I haven't ever seen an expression as demeaning as the one which followed...she looked away...and then looked straight into my eyes...and i could feel mine burn at the back of my head...with anxiety...what exactly was coming??

We had been together for a while now...had spent some time together...had had our share of fun...but serious is what we never really got in conversations...atleast until there was something drastic which happened...and it hadn't happened in the recent past...as far as i remembered...or maybe...hadn't happened just yet....

she finally spoke...and she made sure i was listening..."You know you are a good guy...but i believe you dont believe in looking too far ahead do you"...Ohh!!! there it was..right there between us...a benign little question...seemed like a trick question to me....I had looked ahead...and all i saw was me...and not us...but what do i tell her?? Damn!!! "I sure believe in looking ahead...but i am not exactly sure how far do you want me to look??"...i could feel a smile running across my face...ohh yes...well answered....or was it??

She looked at me...and i could see a hint of disappointment there...but it was there only for a moment...so ephemeral that it made me wonder if it had even been there in the first place...and then there it was...that ever so ready smile of hers..."I think you are not sure of the feeling...since you haven't ever felt it...you are still the good guy"....

I could never decipher what that meant...i am a guy after all...was it a compliment?? i couldn't be sure...since it sure didn't make me happy..."Thank you...i believe"...is what i said...and i knew she didn' exactly care for what i said...somehow...she had got her answer...and i had got a lot many questions for me to answer to myself...

Things didnt exactly the way they were meant to be from there on...and another day...at another table...she gazed into the distance...as i asked her..."Do you believe in destiny??"...she looked at me...and couldnt help but chuckle...ofcourse...to be asking questions as serious as that...just not my cup of tea...ohh come on...am but a guy after all...She said "I do...and i know what exactly you mean by that...You have tried...and have tried enough for me to know...you still are the good guy"...and hence we parted ways..

A year and a half later....

A pleasant evening...as i walked through the street with a friend...i remembered those words...as i still hung onto them...could never really understand what they meant...had moved on in life...a new college...a new place...had had a new beginning...so i asked him..."do you think there is something called waiting for "the one""....ohh yes...there was the giggle again...a guy asking another guy that question...so much against the protocol...but the answer was more surprising than the question itself..."yes...he said...of course"...ofcourse?? was it so obvious?? ohh how could it be...i couldn't be that ignorant to not know of something as obvious as that...and so there i was...as i once again went about reforming another soul...with my theory of making yourself believe you are in love...and hence in the fact that she is "the one"...But he won't agree...*Ohh he is a good guy...but*...i thought...

As is so often the case with irony...it hits you in the face...just when you least expect it to...so was the case with me...I found myself asking myself no questions...and yet it felt special...something just blew away all that i had stood for...or should i say against...caught me by the collar and stared at me...telling me...how big a fool have you been...yes...i had found love...

No...i didn't have to make myself believe i was in it...nor did have to sand in front of the mirror urging me to love someone...it just came to me..."Yes" i had said...and hadn't thought once before saying it...what was i thinking??

I knew something had changed within me...something that just wasn't right before...something which had always helped me justify why i hadn't fallen n love...just as yet...

Things shaped up pretty contrary to my design...if ever i had any...the problem i had?? I never looked too far into the future...living in the present was always the easiest...and hence that is what i always did...but pretty soon i realised...not everyone is you...I had not just me to answer to...but a lot more..."Why did you do it??"..."What were you thinking??"..."Be rational, think logically"...is what those who couldn’t be bad to me..told me...

But that is when i got the answer to a question i had always been looking for...as i heard myself being told over and over again..."You are to blame for the wrong"..."Ohh you are the one who designed this"...if only i could have....would have made it so much more beautiful...

Yes...there it was...the answer...and it was so evident....I now knew what she had meant when she had said those words to me...I now knew I was in love...and how could I be sure??

I no more cared for what they thought of me...I no more cared for what they might say...I no more cared for much beyond what I knew....

I wasn't the good guy anymore....

Of Maybe and Couldbe....Of Desires and Deserving...

They say the glass is half full...or maybe its half empty...But what when u say one when everyone says the other...Its then that you don’t know what to believe..and what not to... Let me tell you what I believe...There are secrets in your life that you wanna hide...reasonings and perceptions...logics and perspectives....desires and deservings...
We all know what we are...but we make sure we don’t make ourselves realise it...We wanna be someone else...We desire to be in their place...or maybe a place equivalent to theirs...So, what do we do...We change...for the better??? I don’t know...haven’t lived long enough to comment on that...but all I know is that we have our identity...our individuality...our existence...
We owe what we are to a lot of people in our lives...a lot more then you can think of right now...starting from your parents to the best of friends you hold so close to your heart today...But does that justify your obligation to them?? Or does it justify your existence?? Try this..what makes you choose when you have to?? Is it you..your beliefs and your desires?? Or is it what you believe you deserve and what you don’t?? Or is it what they believe??
I don’t know what is right and what is wrong ...but I do know this...there is always a flip side...when we talk of what is fair and what is unfair...it always involves someone other than us...someone we presume we know...someone we believe knows us...But then...do you know yourself?? Or do you “think” you do?? Life comes a full circle they say...I say we decide that...If we want everything we have owned and loved to decide our existence...our beliefs...our perceptions..our desires...maybe we don’t deserve what we desire...For all those who believe in Fate...in things happening because they “are meant to be”....try taking the first step...try standing up for what you believe you want...and you will deserve it there and then...To say that maybe it wasn’t meant to be, is equivalent to saying that maybe it never would be too....Who are you to decide?? Who are others to decide for you?? “Maybe” you know what is right and what is wrong...But then it “could be” that you are wrong in thinking so... Who decides that??
There is something we all seem to believe in...and we call it love...we all seem to know what it means...and we all have our own definition of it...and again...if you are the one who feels it...why should it be others who define it?? Why do we constantly seek what we call happiness...Why do always seek peace...Why do we always seek justification...and why do we always seek compliance?? Is it because we need a re-iteration that we are right in doing what we desire?? Or do we want to know whether we deserve it....Lets define our reality...and lets justify our dreams...lets make ourselves happy with what we have...or lets work towards making our dreams a reality...The choice is ours...or do you want to leave it to someone else to make it for you??
Lets talk of dreams...are they what we desire?? Or are they what we presume we deserve...maybe no one knows...maybe no one ever will...But we do know it comes from something we don’t manipulate...something we don’t consciously control...Is that what defines our true self...Is that what defines our reality?? Or is that which defines our desires??? No one knows,...But it sure makes us believe...in a world we define...in a life we desire...in a place we belong...and a desire that we deserve...Is it wrong to desire?? Is it wrong to believe?? Is it wrong to want?? Maybe it should be about what others think...But it Could be if only we believe...in not just me...but us...and that is something that others can’t do for you...because how much ever they might know you...it won’t be enough...not enough to decide your life...not enough to decide your ambitions...not enough to decide your existence...
Happiness...what makes you happy?? Is it people around you?? Or is it people who love you?? Or is people you love?? It is hard to find happiness...many who have pursued happiness have tried and failed...but some have found it too.. Who are they?? Did they make everyone happy??? Did they live for everyone?? I say No...I say it is and will always be about the choices we make....the decisions we take...it is always about strength..it is always about conviction...and belief....To be on the other side you have gotta work towards deserving what you desire...and for that you need to have faith...in what you believe...It is and will always be your strength to take on the world for what you love to achieve what could be...You doubt your dreams and it will always end up being a “maybe”...maybe it could have been...maybe it was right...maybe that is what I wanted...maybe that was the life to me....maybe....
So, live to love...and love to desire...and desire to deserve...because maybe..it “could be”...never give up on what you desire...because its only then that you will deserve...Listen to others...But believe in yourself...Let others Love you...but love someone...let others think for you...but decide for yourself...Let others give up on you...But never give up on what you love....Because life doesn’t give you a second chance...It is just this one time we have to make it right...just one choice...just one opportunity...It is for you to take the shot...to believe....So to deserve...you have got to desire...and it “could be” if you let go of the “may be”......

I Smoke.....

I smoke..coz i don’t care
I don’t care...coz no one cares...
When someone cares...the cigarette aint there...
It falls to the floor...crushed beyond compare...

U say u lao me...to subside my fears...
But wen i c u crying...i c diamonds not tears...
Smoking is wat reminds me...of u..of me...
It reminds me of wat v r...n wat v cud b...

Move on...is wat they say...
No way ahead is wat i c...
Have been tryin to find the way...
To b aloof...to b me...

Hve tried to hold on...to everything i deemed mine...
But as fate wud have it...have oways lost out to tym..
I dwell in mah past..searching for moments of lao...
wen i was to myself so near...
But everything seems to have moved on...
n i find myself right whr i hve oways been...right here...

the smoke helps me nt c things mah fate retrieves...
they fuckin c in me a man who never grieves...
cant they c the cigarette..cant they c my pain...
cant they c me cryin...wen i m out in the rain...
yeah dats wats not obvious...dats nt fr all to c...
coz no one really cares...nt everyone is me...nt everyone is insane...

An Ode to Friendship

To all those who still believe in a relationship that goes no further than what its meant to be...friendship: Life is as perfect as you want it to be...and if ever there was a key to such perfection...it is friends. To have had your buddy look over your shoulder when even you might have not cared to, is what makes it special, and to have done it yourself, ever so unconsciously, is what makes it eternal. School taught us how to make them, college taught us how to hang by them, if not with them, and a post grad does teach you how to treasure them.

Friendship has been such an abused word—a stepping stone to what we all call “love”. Oh its beautiful they tell me, and its not friendship they are referring to, it is invariably love. Ask yourself these questions, and maybe you will realise how much for granted we always take our friends. Who do you turn to when things go wrong?? Whose shoulder do you turn to when you know you can’t do it alone?? Who is your greatest strength, and ironically, your greatest weakness?? Not yet found the answer?? Try this...Try recollecting all the wrongs having been done to you by people...and now try remembering the rights “people” have done to you...the former seems so easy to do...and the latter would make you realise how much you have lost in life and how much more perfect it would have been...had you hung on to the rights and forgiven the wrongs....Now, that is friendship.

From sharing a tiffin in school to sharing a whisky in college...from cracking silly jokes in school to making sillier ones in college...from laughing at others in school to laughing at yourself in college...who is it who has been right there beside you all along...maybe people have changed...maybe the names have too...but it all comes down to a word we all use so often and treasure so little...friends..Can you tell me your first crush...ohh I bet you can...now try remembering who you told about it for the first time...and do you still have him with you as your “friend”??

I wish everyone a wonderful friendship day...It is not a day when we remember our friends...but a day when we celebrate the special bond that we have shared with them...So, cheers to all the friends that have been...and to all those to come...May life turn out to be as perfect as we all wish it to be...

Cheers,

Divyanshu

The Histrionic Beauty

“Beauty”!!!! I have tried to define it...I have tried to see it...I have even tried to be a part of it...and yet...I have always been proved wrong...I thought I had had enough of what they call love...and every time it came to me, it was by what I always believed was beauty...of the heart...of the face...or of the desires. I believed I was free and happy, that nothing could ever get me attached to anything so much that I will forget what I loved most...me.
Life has a funny way of circling in on you...just when I thought my life was perfect..and I needed nothing else...that I found you...
We talked so less...and yet...you knew so much...I didn’t know you one bit...but god knows I wanted to...There was an instant connection...an instant compatibility...I thought so much before I knew you...and to come to think of it...what I think of now doesn’t even come close to that...I think I fell for you the day you loved me...I think I wanted to be there for you, the day you wanted to be there for me...I think...
Hope is a funny expression...and desire is even funnier...Life was so simple before...a “yes” or a “no” was enough as an answer...and what I find now are questions to those very answers...is a yes enough??? Or is it something else...How could you be so selfless...How could anyone be so sublime...How could you expect nothing in return for your love...How could you not want me to make you mine?? How could you give me all your love when you knew all I needed was nothing...How could you give me all that support even when you knew I wanted none...How could you know me so well...even when you knew all I wanted was to be me...it was just not so done...
Now is when I know you...now is when I care...now is when I love you...and now is when u know...I am and will always be...right there...I never thought of loving you...I never thought of what is wrong and what is fair...Love is what you gave to me...and beauty is now not just a word anymore...it is more than life...It is we being together..it is you...with me.
You are beautiful sweetheart...I know now what I didn’t know then...I see now what I couldn’t see then...you define beauty for me...and you personify love...
It is tough to describe you love...what with your fetish for finding complexities in the simplest of things...what with your ever increasing desire to see everyone happy around you...what with you not being bad to anyone even when you are more hurt than I can see...what with your much acclaimed love for clothes and shopping...till it is meant for you...what with you finding the greatest happiness in the smallest of things...what with you being so true...and what with you being so free...
They are the smallest things only known to me which make you mine...You are special sweetheart...the kind of people you want to cherish all your life...a treasure whose worth is only known to those you love...and realised by only them who love you even more...Life seems so beautiful with you around...and when I look back I don’t see a way we could turn back on...It is a one way street that we are on...It is a path we have chosen...a desire we have nurtured...a relationship we have acknowledged...and a love we have shared..
I see people around me giving up...I see them confess love and then realise otherwise not too long after...and I am so glad that we share a love which is never meant to die...
Don’t ever change sweetheart...don’t even try...you have your flaws...but then...it only makes you more human...and so much more adorable...You are a complete sweetheart...and your love for me just re-instates how much I love you...
Cheers to you and to me...cheers to us being neither anymore...cheers to us being we...