Of Maybe and Couldbe....Of Desires and Deserving...

They say the glass is half full...or maybe its half empty...But what when u say one when everyone says the other...Its then that you don’t know what to believe..and what not to... Let me tell you what I believe...There are secrets in your life that you wanna hide...reasonings and perceptions...logics and perspectives....desires and deservings...
We all know what we are...but we make sure we don’t make ourselves realise it...We wanna be someone else...We desire to be in their place...or maybe a place equivalent to theirs...So, what do we do...We change...for the better??? I don’t know...haven’t lived long enough to comment on that...but all I know is that we have our identity...our individuality...our existence...
We owe what we are to a lot of people in our lives...a lot more then you can think of right now...starting from your parents to the best of friends you hold so close to your heart today...But does that justify your obligation to them?? Or does it justify your existence?? Try this..what makes you choose when you have to?? Is it you..your beliefs and your desires?? Or is it what you believe you deserve and what you don’t?? Or is it what they believe??
I don’t know what is right and what is wrong ...but I do know this...there is always a flip side...when we talk of what is fair and what is unfair...it always involves someone other than us...someone we presume we know...someone we believe knows us...But then...do you know yourself?? Or do you “think” you do?? Life comes a full circle they say...I say we decide that...If we want everything we have owned and loved to decide our existence...our beliefs...our perceptions..our desires...maybe we don’t deserve what we desire...For all those who believe in Fate...in things happening because they “are meant to be”....try taking the first step...try standing up for what you believe you want...and you will deserve it there and then...To say that maybe it wasn’t meant to be, is equivalent to saying that maybe it never would be too....Who are you to decide?? Who are others to decide for you?? “Maybe” you know what is right and what is wrong...But then it “could be” that you are wrong in thinking so... Who decides that??
There is something we all seem to believe in...and we call it love...we all seem to know what it means...and we all have our own definition of it...and again...if you are the one who feels it...why should it be others who define it?? Why do we constantly seek what we call happiness...Why do always seek peace...Why do we always seek justification...and why do we always seek compliance?? Is it because we need a re-iteration that we are right in doing what we desire?? Or do we want to know whether we deserve it....Lets define our reality...and lets justify our dreams...lets make ourselves happy with what we have...or lets work towards making our dreams a reality...The choice is ours...or do you want to leave it to someone else to make it for you??
Lets talk of dreams...are they what we desire?? Or are they what we presume we deserve...maybe no one knows...maybe no one ever will...But we do know it comes from something we don’t manipulate...something we don’t consciously control...Is that what defines our true self...Is that what defines our reality?? Or is that which defines our desires??? No one knows,...But it sure makes us believe...in a world we define...in a life we desire...in a place we belong...and a desire that we deserve...Is it wrong to desire?? Is it wrong to believe?? Is it wrong to want?? Maybe it should be about what others think...But it Could be if only we believe...in not just me...but us...and that is something that others can’t do for you...because how much ever they might know you...it won’t be enough...not enough to decide your life...not enough to decide your ambitions...not enough to decide your existence...
Happiness...what makes you happy?? Is it people around you?? Or is it people who love you?? Or is people you love?? It is hard to find happiness...many who have pursued happiness have tried and failed...but some have found it too.. Who are they?? Did they make everyone happy??? Did they live for everyone?? I say No...I say it is and will always be about the choices we make....the decisions we take...it is always about strength..it is always about conviction...and belief....To be on the other side you have gotta work towards deserving what you desire...and for that you need to have faith...in what you believe...It is and will always be your strength to take on the world for what you love to achieve what could be...You doubt your dreams and it will always end up being a “maybe”...maybe it could have been...maybe it was right...maybe that is what I wanted...maybe that was the life to me....maybe....
So, live to love...and love to desire...and desire to deserve...because maybe..it “could be”...never give up on what you desire...because its only then that you will deserve...Listen to others...But believe in yourself...Let others Love you...but love someone...let others think for you...but decide for yourself...Let others give up on you...But never give up on what you love....Because life doesn’t give you a second chance...It is just this one time we have to make it right...just one choice...just one opportunity...It is for you to take the shot...to believe....So to deserve...you have got to desire...and it “could be” if you let go of the “may be”......

I Smoke.....

I smoke..coz i don’t care
I don’t care...coz no one cares...
When someone cares...the cigarette aint there...
It falls to the floor...crushed beyond compare...

U say u lao me...to subside my fears...
But wen i c u crying...i c diamonds not tears...
Smoking is wat reminds me...of u..of me...
It reminds me of wat v r...n wat v cud b...

Move on...is wat they say...
No way ahead is wat i c...
Have been tryin to find the way...
To b aloof...to b me...

Hve tried to hold on...to everything i deemed mine...
But as fate wud have it...have oways lost out to tym..
I dwell in mah past..searching for moments of lao...
wen i was to myself so near...
But everything seems to have moved on...
n i find myself right whr i hve oways been...right here...

the smoke helps me nt c things mah fate retrieves...
they fuckin c in me a man who never grieves...
cant they c the cigarette..cant they c my pain...
cant they c me cryin...wen i m out in the rain...
yeah dats wats not obvious...dats nt fr all to c...
coz no one really cares...nt everyone is me...nt everyone is insane...

An Ode to Friendship

To all those who still believe in a relationship that goes no further than what its meant to be...friendship: Life is as perfect as you want it to be...and if ever there was a key to such perfection...it is friends. To have had your buddy look over your shoulder when even you might have not cared to, is what makes it special, and to have done it yourself, ever so unconsciously, is what makes it eternal. School taught us how to make them, college taught us how to hang by them, if not with them, and a post grad does teach you how to treasure them.

Friendship has been such an abused word—a stepping stone to what we all call “love”. Oh its beautiful they tell me, and its not friendship they are referring to, it is invariably love. Ask yourself these questions, and maybe you will realise how much for granted we always take our friends. Who do you turn to when things go wrong?? Whose shoulder do you turn to when you know you can’t do it alone?? Who is your greatest strength, and ironically, your greatest weakness?? Not yet found the answer?? Try this...Try recollecting all the wrongs having been done to you by people...and now try remembering the rights “people” have done to you...the former seems so easy to do...and the latter would make you realise how much you have lost in life and how much more perfect it would have been...had you hung on to the rights and forgiven the wrongs....Now, that is friendship.

From sharing a tiffin in school to sharing a whisky in college...from cracking silly jokes in school to making sillier ones in college...from laughing at others in school to laughing at yourself in college...who is it who has been right there beside you all along...maybe people have changed...maybe the names have too...but it all comes down to a word we all use so often and treasure so little...friends..Can you tell me your first crush...ohh I bet you can...now try remembering who you told about it for the first time...and do you still have him with you as your “friend”??

I wish everyone a wonderful friendship day...It is not a day when we remember our friends...but a day when we celebrate the special bond that we have shared with them...So, cheers to all the friends that have been...and to all those to come...May life turn out to be as perfect as we all wish it to be...

Cheers,

Divyanshu

The Histrionic Beauty

“Beauty”!!!! I have tried to define it...I have tried to see it...I have even tried to be a part of it...and yet...I have always been proved wrong...I thought I had had enough of what they call love...and every time it came to me, it was by what I always believed was beauty...of the heart...of the face...or of the desires. I believed I was free and happy, that nothing could ever get me attached to anything so much that I will forget what I loved most...me.
Life has a funny way of circling in on you...just when I thought my life was perfect..and I needed nothing else...that I found you...
We talked so less...and yet...you knew so much...I didn’t know you one bit...but god knows I wanted to...There was an instant connection...an instant compatibility...I thought so much before I knew you...and to come to think of it...what I think of now doesn’t even come close to that...I think I fell for you the day you loved me...I think I wanted to be there for you, the day you wanted to be there for me...I think...
Hope is a funny expression...and desire is even funnier...Life was so simple before...a “yes” or a “no” was enough as an answer...and what I find now are questions to those very answers...is a yes enough??? Or is it something else...How could you be so selfless...How could anyone be so sublime...How could you expect nothing in return for your love...How could you not want me to make you mine?? How could you give me all your love when you knew all I needed was nothing...How could you give me all that support even when you knew I wanted none...How could you know me so well...even when you knew all I wanted was to be me...it was just not so done...
Now is when I know you...now is when I care...now is when I love you...and now is when u know...I am and will always be...right there...I never thought of loving you...I never thought of what is wrong and what is fair...Love is what you gave to me...and beauty is now not just a word anymore...it is more than life...It is we being together..it is you...with me.
You are beautiful sweetheart...I know now what I didn’t know then...I see now what I couldn’t see then...you define beauty for me...and you personify love...
It is tough to describe you love...what with your fetish for finding complexities in the simplest of things...what with your ever increasing desire to see everyone happy around you...what with you not being bad to anyone even when you are more hurt than I can see...what with your much acclaimed love for clothes and shopping...till it is meant for you...what with you finding the greatest happiness in the smallest of things...what with you being so true...and what with you being so free...
They are the smallest things only known to me which make you mine...You are special sweetheart...the kind of people you want to cherish all your life...a treasure whose worth is only known to those you love...and realised by only them who love you even more...Life seems so beautiful with you around...and when I look back I don’t see a way we could turn back on...It is a one way street that we are on...It is a path we have chosen...a desire we have nurtured...a relationship we have acknowledged...and a love we have shared..
I see people around me giving up...I see them confess love and then realise otherwise not too long after...and I am so glad that we share a love which is never meant to die...
Don’t ever change sweetheart...don’t even try...you have your flaws...but then...it only makes you more human...and so much more adorable...You are a complete sweetheart...and your love for me just re-instates how much I love you...
Cheers to you and to me...cheers to us being neither anymore...cheers to us being we...

An Ode to Rohit-

Bad things happen to good people they say...and for once they are not wrong...What did he do wrong?? Or is it because he was just too perfect...You ought to know some people to know what life is...and how it is to be lived...for others and yet for yourself...

I found him when I was vulnerable...trying to find priorities...trying to hold on to everything I knew...and letting go of those that I didn’t...I would not speak to him initially...because of reasons I realised later...and maybe a bit too late...But he would come and sit next to me while I had beer, all by myself...He would say nothing...but smile...give me a pat on the back, and walk away...I envied him for the guy that he was...careless and free...likeable to all...and yet so humble...so unassuming that it took me 2 weeks to come to know how rich he was...He could do anything that I could...and was better...I never saw him depressed...or dejected with life...never saw him cribbing...about life or about people...The world seemed perfect when around him...He transcended time... and hence eternity...


It was when I talked to him for the first time, that I got to know a guy who was to stay back with me forever...He was someone who I idolised for what he was...from whom I learnt to be worthy of success...worthy of being what I wanted to be...It was because of him that I realised the value of ambitions...and desires...the fallacy of expectations...and of conditions...He would tell me not to let go of people I loved...ever...he would tell me never to let my ego come in way of friendship...and I would tell him I had none...He would laugh and tell me its universal...just that some people call it self -respect...He would tell me to be wary of jealousy...and its then that I realised how much time I had wasted not knowing him...He inspired me to let go of a part of me I had held on for a bit too long...He made me careless...and free...he taught me to live for the day...and not for the future...He inspired me to lao others and yet not demand of them to lao me back...He taught me what unconditioned reality implies...and inspired me to be what he was...If there was anything perfect in this world, he was someone who would come as close to it as is possible...

This is for you Rohit, to let you know that you are missed...and always will be...I remember the promise you made me make to you...and it will always be upheld...I still can’t forgive myself for having not known you before...for having wasted such precious time, whose value I realise now...for having never realised how important you were to me...Let this be an ode to a person who made a large part of me as it is today...an ode to someone who is an inspiration to me in whatever I take up in life...who will always remind me of life being ephemeral... time being the most valuable possession.. and friendship being the worthiest ambition

u r remembered wen needed...

They say ignorance is bliss...i say its the other way round...its bliss dat makes u ignorant...of people n all dat goes wid it...v liv all our life in pursuit...of wat v believe is happiness...forgoing everything which seems to come in the way...wat v forget tho, is dat v r nt oways rite...but dats whr the irony is..coz v oways “believe” dat v r...believe eh!!! Believe u may...on urself...believe u may...on ur individualism...but never ever believe in the dependence of it...on anyone except u...ur decision is urs...n all that comes wid it...gud or bad..
The flaw wid one being dependent is.. it makes u liv fr others...ppl u believe u love...yeah love!!! Its then that u can do anything fr them...nething dat u can...or u cannot...u do dat without any expectations...without any conditions...n u don’t impose any either, on the very ppl...but its wen u realise dat all dat u hve done fr them doesn’t count...not to them...or to u...its wen u realise u hve done all in ur power to c them wat they r..happy..dat u feel happy...n u want to b a part of dat happiness...u want urself to b wanted...u need urself to b given just dat one thing u desire...to b remembered..
U r remembered wen needed...some remember u coz they need love...n they kno u can giv it to them...some remember u coz they need solace...n yeah..u can giv them dat as well...some remember u wen they cant remember anyone else...atleast fr that moment...n yeah...u r thr then as well...u r thr everytym u r remembered...in pursuit of wat u believe...is their happiness...n so is urs...or is it?? Its wen u luk bak at ur lyf...at people who have loved u...people who u cudnt love...people u let go...coz u believed u didn’t love them...dat u realise how wrong u cud hve been...how very wrong...coz its much easier to love someone..than be loved...its much easier to giv up everything fr someone than hve someone giv everything up fr u...u try everytym just to c that one smile on the face of that someone...so much so dat u forget to smile urself...its then dat u need someone to want u to smile...
u step out of the house...hurt...fr having come...hurt...for having wanted to b needed...hurt ...fr having wanted to b remembered...hurt...fr having wanted to b wanted...u luk at the watch...it aint tym...u r early...u remember wat she has said...coz it resounds wid so much clarity...wats even more clear...r the implications of it...dat u had had a choice..dat u had made one...dat it was ur choice to do whatever u had done fr her...dat it was ur choice to have loved her...n its consequences r fr u to bear...it aint she who is to b blamed...its u...coz it was ur choice after all...u luk at the watch again..the tym doesn’t seem to move...u luk at ur byk...standing in front of u...telling u everything wil b alrite...even wen she finds it hard to believe herself.. lyf comes a full circle they say...n u find urself rite at the point whr it all began..again...u luk at ur hands...n they r trembling...wid sweat at the side of ur neck...its a chilly nyt...n the sweat feels cold against the skin...cold enuf...
u luk around urself...at the cold dark nite ahead of u...the byk throttling along...u luk at ppl around u...n u find none...u luk at ur hands..n they r trembling...u luk at the months gone by n the months to come...u want to b alone...n wen u r...u want someone tellin u it wil b alrite...u shut the sounds of ur mind to hear the revs of ur byk...coz u kno she needs u...to take her home...n thr u r...rite whr u were...wid her again...